Friday, May 22, 2009

haven't really written much lately again. i still prefer typing over physically writing though. Thoughts always flowed a lot easier through my keyboard than a pen.

I don't know. one of steven and christa's friends was over tonight. Maybe i'm just being foolish again. I'm just really lonely still i suppose. Logic states that I have no use for any of these thoughts i have. There is no point in thinking back and trying to analyze what was going on then. If the ends justify the means then all this is for nothing. I'm wanting something that probably wasn't there to begin with. Making excuses and what not. I really am foolish. i hate not being able to talk to michelle. I that bothers me more than anything right now.

my mind is somewhere other than here as usual. When Gen was talking about his current interest and what was going on between them, a flood of memories and emotions rushed into me. I don't like where these thoughts are headed. I'm trying to break the association of certain things with memories of michelle. well, I can never erase the memories but i need to dissolve the ill feelings i get when i recall such memories. i truly am being foolish now. Its not that im not thinking straight. I just doing think my heart accepts such thoughts. such reason and truth. I am frustrated. I just sit and wonder about a lot of things.

I dont know exactly what i want. I think this has always been my problem. I have a general idea but nothing specific. I dont know what i want or what my definition of happiness and fun is yet. Things just seem to pass the time and keep me distracted but are these things really what brings a smile to my face. I'm so retarded. I havent smiled in so long. I just realized that right now. This is what's driving me crazy. I find no true joy in what i've been doing lately.

wow. that was like a light bulb turning on. I've just been forcing smiles and laughter lately. i might be able to fool those around me but not myself. all i could do is just sit here and laugh at myself. I've found what has been missing. my smile. Sadly, the last time i gave a genuine smile was during the time spent with michelle. I guess thats whats frustrating me.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a little down but i'm not out. its just i do feel a little empty again. my days are getting shorter. i could feel time speed up. fighting the flow is not working out so i should focus on taking in the moment. I need to live for me. Things will fall into place and i cant get depressed over little things. my priority should be to get my smile back. It sounds selfish or reckless even but i'm not that kind of person. I'm very cautious so i dont think i'll ever put myself in danger but i do need to relax a little. I should be fine.

I guess i just needed to write and just let go of all the crap surrounding me cuz thats just what it is. crap. i've lost myself in everyone else's dreams and lost sight of my own. hmm... i'll be alright.