When I was cleaning the refrigerator, I stumbled across something my mom had printed out and saved. It was from Ate Happi and it looked like it was a forward. I don't care much for them but my mom thought it was worth something. While waiting, i read it. I'm sure i read it way back when and a lot of how i try to live now is reflected in this. I retyped it out. There's a good chance that that paper will be thrown away cuz its all discolored and what not.

The more time that passes, and the more experiences i gain, the more i seem to understand where both my parents are coming from and why they said/acted the way they did. I was able to understand my father first and maybe cuz he walked out first, giving me time to reflect. Now i realize i seem to share a lot more in common with my mother than i previously thought.

at any rate, here's the rehashed forward.

---

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect Less.

No one can go back and make a brand new start.

Anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on!

When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy. God as thought of something better for you.

When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life;s events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.

You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.

Never abandon an old friend. Wou will nevber find one who can take his place.

i dont know when or what i last talked about. i guess now is a good time to start writing again.

Just about a week to go before AX. I'm a little anxious. I've been going to the gym again for the past three or four weeks now. I haven't really changed in weight but i do feel stronger. I dont know if i look any different though. Just a few more days left so i'm really going to hit the gym harder. I haven't really maxed out and i've kind of started to but im not really sore the next few days. It could be im not training hard enough but i have noticed that i sleep straight through the night and my body kind of hurts in the morning so i go back to sleep. lol.

I dont really know what i really want to talk about now. I just wanted to start this up again for my own benefit despite what might happen in the future should someone read this again. I've been warned before about this crap and told that its better to write it as opposed to typing it but that could be compromised just as well. so eh. whatever.

i did look back at a few things again today so that's what inspired me to start a new entry. there's a huge gap again. I guess i kind of wish i wrote a little more. There's just bits and pieces from the end of last year and probably close to nothing for this year. its over half way through now.

I looked at what i wrote about michelle back in november. Yeah, my fears of what the final outcome would be, came to pass and were justified. I guess it was more like I knew where things were heading and I didn't want to accept that. I wanted to hold on to it for as long as i could. More foolish and childish behavior and response from me.

Oh that reminds me. I finally got to talk to Tiffany a few days ago but it ended in an argument. wow. what else is new, right? she sited that i talk too much and that i dont let anyone else talk. kind of pissed me off... well it pissed me off a lot. i couldn't shake it off for a while. I started to internalize it like i always do and it did numbers on me again. sigh. again, i've been told there's no point in trying to keep her as a friend if all she ever does is eventually tear me down. She's toxic. lol. something i picked up from michelle. =P. i picked up a lot from her and i'm glad she was able to enter my life when she did. I still miss her but, like i always say, we talked about this over and over again.

at any rate, i should go to bed. I need to hit the gym hard tomorrow and Derek is having people over later tomorrow night. I also need to get started on my shirt. AX is coming up really fast. I feel so unprepared for everything.

yeah... im pretty drunk. im going to try this out while im drunk.

so at any rate, i did not want to talk about stuff regarding tiffany tonight. i have only myself to blame i suppose. derek and vince were talking and i really need to put in my two cents. needless to say, i talked about how i felt about what happened to me to some random girl i just met tonight. blah. im whatever about it but its just something i didnt want to talk about.

haven't really written much lately again. i still prefer typing over physically writing though. Thoughts always flowed a lot easier through my keyboard than a pen.

I don't know. one of steven and christa's friends was over tonight. Maybe i'm just being foolish again. I'm just really lonely still i suppose. Logic states that I have no use for any of these thoughts i have. There is no point in thinking back and trying to analyze what was going on then. If the ends justify the means then all this is for nothing. I'm wanting something that probably wasn't there to begin with. Making excuses and what not. I really am foolish. i hate not being able to talk to michelle. I that bothers me more than anything right now.

my mind is somewhere other than here as usual. When Gen was talking about his current interest and what was going on between them, a flood of memories and emotions rushed into me. I don't like where these thoughts are headed. I'm trying to break the association of certain things with memories of michelle. well, I can never erase the memories but i need to dissolve the ill feelings i get when i recall such memories. i truly am being foolish now. Its not that im not thinking straight. I just doing think my heart accepts such thoughts. such reason and truth. I am frustrated. I just sit and wonder about a lot of things.

I dont know exactly what i want. I think this has always been my problem. I have a general idea but nothing specific. I dont know what i want or what my definition of happiness and fun is yet. Things just seem to pass the time and keep me distracted but are these things really what brings a smile to my face. I'm so retarded. I havent smiled in so long. I just realized that right now. This is what's driving me crazy. I find no true joy in what i've been doing lately.

wow. that was like a light bulb turning on. I've just been forcing smiles and laughter lately. i might be able to fool those around me but not myself. all i could do is just sit here and laugh at myself. I've found what has been missing. my smile. Sadly, the last time i gave a genuine smile was during the time spent with michelle. I guess thats whats frustrating me.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a little down but i'm not out. its just i do feel a little empty again. my days are getting shorter. i could feel time speed up. fighting the flow is not working out so i should focus on taking in the moment. I need to live for me. Things will fall into place and i cant get depressed over little things. my priority should be to get my smile back. It sounds selfish or reckless even but i'm not that kind of person. I'm very cautious so i dont think i'll ever put myself in danger but i do need to relax a little. I should be fine.

I guess i just needed to write and just let go of all the crap surrounding me cuz thats just what it is. crap. i've lost myself in everyone else's dreams and lost sight of my own. hmm... i'll be alright.

on hotel paper... lol

a temporary throw back to my autumn ambitions layout for this place. the music links are not working. they are a bit dated. this is a rather simple design and maybe not as clean or cool as step into... but its simplicity is why i reverted to it. the latter layout had navigation issues. actually it bugged me trying to look back at older posts. the page would reload, which is normal but you would need to click on the flowers again to see where you were going. also adding flash content was a pain. i was kind of able to hide the player under the banner but that was still stupid. step into was really soothing looking though. its close to a year old by now and it reflects the current season.

As depressing as autumn ambitions looks, i also chose it to kind of help remind me of who i am again. It has only been recently that i got back into anime. I'm still not back into j-pop yet either. I still think of michelle all the time. i still miss her. What is it that i really miss about her though? I guess it was someone i could converse life with i suppose. Yeah, i do that all the time with my friends and coworkers but my time spent chatting with her seemed a lot different.

sigh... i was advised not to write in here any longer but no one's really searching for this or what i have to say. I think im safe for now but if history repeats itself, this all might come back to bite me again. There was more i kind of wanted to talk about but it is late and i do have a headache. I dont know when or how i will revise the layout of this place. I dont have inspiration for one... i actually havent made anything for a long time. Music will most likely be added soon as i dont really like my pages quiet. Leave you just with your thoughts... lol.